“BIG”

As a child, you dream about being a grown up. You imagine what you will look like, what kind of career you will have, what kind of car you will drive, and all the things you will do and obtain. You make big plans for the day that you are finally big enough to have everything you wanted. At least this was my belief, growing up I woke up everyday knowing that I was one day closer to being “Big” and having my dreams come true.

The events that we anticipate announcing our arrival into adulthood, ironically enough, never follow through with the promise of knowing more and being able to answer the great quandaries of life. Graduations, Marriages, Births, and Deaths, these are the things that you anticipate declaring your arrival in adulthood. Almost, like you show have a neon flashing like hanging over you head that reads ADULT, and people will acknowledge and accept this, and somehow respect you more, because you're in the club now. I'm not quite sure how I developed this idea, but repeatedly, milestone after milestone, I find myself waiting for that "AHA" moment, when I can say “I am now an adult”.

I initially thought my high school graduation would be the big moment. In high school I worked hard enough to earn good grades, participated in anything that would look good on a college application and worked a part time job, because my mom could barely afford to keep a roof over our heads. I moved out when I was 15 and bounced from friend’s house to friend’s house, until Graduation. The day came and went in a blur, I gave my final speech as Senior Class President, and that is about all that I can remember, aside from feeling a little let down that I didn’t feel like I had done anything. That summer, as I prepared to go to college, I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out when exactly I would be accepted as an adult.

In college, I worked tirelessly to pay bills and get through with school so that I could start my career. Again, I participated in sports and clubs on campus, anything that would help build my resume. As graduation neared, I began anticipating my entry into the real world and adulthood. The day of Graduation, I packed up the last of my dorm room and said my good byes. I celebrated finally being done with school and moving into my first place with my college sweetheart, but I still did not feel like an adult.

Sadly, even now the “AHA” moment still eludes me. And, like most women in their early-twenties, I try to analyze the situation and figure out what I did wrong. "Did I miss something? What could I have done differently?" I replay all of the events leading up to the moment, hoping that I will find some indication of what went wrong and why I don't feel any different. I furrow my brow and shake my head in frustration, “I'm not sure what I could have done differently”, “I believe that I would have still ended up at the same result”.

Now, a few years later, I’m married and about to embark on a new journey as my husband finishes his degree and we consider moving and starting our path. I know that I am exactly the person I was intended to be. And like the flash of a camera, in that instant, it hit me. There isn't one big moment, or culmination. It was every single experience leading up to this moment. Every subtle change, every laugh, every tear, every hug, every person, everything that I have seen, heard, touched and felt, that makes me “BIG”. It's not about that one moment but about everything I encountered to get here. All of the situations, both bad and good, and the decision to not allow all the set backs to prevent me from obtaining my dreams.

Life is a never ending learning process. You spend most of your childhood waiting to be an adult, wishing away childhood, expecting a moment of acknowledgment of your arrival into adulthood, so you can finally do the things you have been to young to do. You arrive at each milestone expecting to feel, maybe even look different, more mature, almost like a philosophical change of cloths. Only to discover you look and feel exactly the same as you did moments before, only now you are left questioning much more, asking yourself "When will I feel like an adult?".

Like all things in life, becoming an adult is a gradual process. I'm not sure about other people, but I have days, where I catch myself saying to myself, "Huh...today I feel like a grown up". I sit back and think about it for a while, running over the how and the why of the statement, trying to put my finger on the exact moment when it happened. The conclusion I come to every time, is that I don’t really know if I am now or ever will be an adult, and if I am…I’m not so sure that I want to grow up.

My Imperfect Prince

Today I woke up and realized that I was that silly girl. The girl who waits up until 3am for him to come home. Up until he actually left for the boys vacay, I had not realized how much of me he holds. I finally admitted to myself that I am terrified and grounded strangely knowing that no matter how strong I feel, I love him and he makes my life that much better. I finally allowed myself to verbalize what I had not allowed my brain to think or my heart to feel, with "Without you this week...", this simple little list brought to my attention the everyday things that I take for granted. There were things as big as telling him that I loved him before going to sleep every night, to not having to sit through UFC or The Discovery Channel every night. Funny how a home because just another house when the person you share it with leaves for just a few days.

Sitting here, only 7 hours after he walked back into the door, I notice how much just knowing that he is home, allows me to breathe a little more easily, and gives me the motivation to be a better person everyday!

I swore I would never be that girl! I promised myself that I would always be able to walk away, draw a line and know that if it had to be done I could and would leave and not look back. Ironically, I also still wanted to wake up and find prince charming waiting to sweep me off my feet and carry me away to happily ever after. I figured out long ago that prince charming is not perfect and the things that you are looking for in your prince are not necessarily what you really need. I have found that the imperfections of my prince are the things I love most. His imperfections are the things that only I see, and better yet make him real, they make him who he is. Apparently in all the fairy tale romances, the author neglects to mention that the princess is shockingly...imperfect as well. This princess actually has to work to maintain and improve her body (a love of sweets=time in the gym), I sometimes say the wrong thing, I forgive too easily and despite years of sports, I still trip over my own feet and run into walls on a regular basis. My prince came to his conclusion long ago, he has accepted that I .may not be perfect, but I make things interesting, I keep him on his toes, and together we have untapped potential to accomplish so much. I have big dreams and I figure out how to make it happen, he worries and questions to make sure that the goal is realistic and obtainable. He makes sure that we have all of the tools we need to build the next stage of our adventure.

I love him! My imperfect prince and my right now is as complete as life will allow, and that is what makes life PERFECT.